UPS

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
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P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Probably because auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.
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P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
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P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
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P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200 ft. per min. descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
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P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
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P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
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P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode.
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P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
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P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
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PS: Aircraft acting funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
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P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
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P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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And the best one for last
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P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.